Who I Want To Be
by GoddessXofXNight
Summary: As Draco struggles with the task he has been given, his struggles increase when he finds himself trapped in his own head and only able to escape when he's in the hands of his enemies. Knowing you have depression is one thing, coping with it is something completely different.
1. Trapped In His Head

Trapped in His Head:

Draco knew that the task that Dark Lord had given him would have put his family back in top standing with the Death Eaters but the very thought of it made him sick to his stomach. Even though the Dark Lord had it out for him, Draco didn't really have a problem with Dumbledore. In fact, Draco thought he was a great head master regardless of his father's opinions for previous reasons. As Draco entered Borgin and Burkes with his father Draco couldn't keep focus on the tasks at hand. Finding a path for the Death Eater get on to the grounds of Hogwarts, take down Dumbledore; regardless of his own opinions, help his father and the Dark Lord take over the latest generation of the wizarding world. Still, Draco felt conflicted as he wandered around the shop ignoring his father's conversation as he stared into the coffin. It was almost as if it had eyes of it's own. Green eyes. Emerald green eyes that seemed entirely too familiar. "Curious, Potter?" Draco asked under his breath and he watched the eyes widened. "I thought that was you. What do the muggles say; Curiosity killed the cat?" Harry tried to keep himself from busting out of the coffin and tackling Draco but it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. "Come, Draco" Lucius said from across the trade shop. "We're leaving." Draco hovered for a moment caught in the spell of Harry's eyes. "See you on the train, Potter" Draco said again under his breath. After watching Draco and his father exit the shop Harry stepped out of the coffin and slowly walked toward the door. Mr. Borgin stepped in front of him, "Can I help you with something?" he said through his nose. "No thank you" Harry told him as he walked more hurriedly to the door. Harry had made his way back to Flourish and Blotts and bumped into who other than Draco. Draco turned the slightest shade of pink. "Can I help you with something Malfoy?" Draco turned up his nose. "Keep moving, Potter." Draco sneered at Harry as he walked by but find the courage to move his own feet. "Draco!" Lucius screamed from the crowd bringing Draco back to life and out from under Harry's spell.

Back inside Malfoy Manor, Draco is upstairs packing his clothes for Hogwarts as the term begins in a week. Draco hears his Aunt Bella downstairs ranting about his father's weakness. "I dare to dream that Draco will be stronger than you, Lucy!"

"You will not disrespect my husband in my home Bella"

"Cissy, you could have done so much better. Mother would be so disappointed at how this sham of a marriage turned out."

"You've never been married Bella. Do you think mother would be proud of that?"

Draco tried to tune out their conversation and went back to packing. "First things first" he thought to himself. "How am I supposed to sneak everyone into Hogwarts right under Dumbledore's nose?" Draco thought about the ins and outs of Hogwarts and knew that almost every route was covered in protective charms and those that weren't were covered by dangerous beasts. "I'll just have to do my research from the inside". Even as he thought about it, Draco began to feel sick to his stomach. Draco kneeled down to close his trunk and felt something hit his hand. He looked down. "Great" Draco sneered at himself. His nose was bleeding. Draco forced himself off his knees and went to his bathroom to clean himself up. He immediately started the shower, tempered it to his liking, then began to undress and watched himself in the grand body mirror that was installed only months ago as a gift from his father for accepting the Dark Lord's task. As he stared at himself in the mirror, he realized a shape was forming behind him with emerald green eyes. Draco shook his head. "No. Father would never approve. The Dark Lord would kill me." Still Draco lingered in front of the mirror for a little while longer but didn't want to allow himself the luxury of dreaming too much. He didn't know just how strong the Dark Lord was in Occlumency and didn't want to risk his own exposure.


	2. Draco and the Mirror

Hogwarts seemed different this term. Almost as if Draco was looking forward to going back to school. Ever since his encounter with Potter's eyes in Borgin and Burke's all Draco could think about were those eyes. **"Damned Potter"** Draco thought to himself. Draco stopped when he heard rumbling behind him and turned to see the walls opening and turning into a wooden door. Draco slowly walked back toward the door to open it. He went through the threshold to find an exquisite mirror, much like the one his father had installed in his washroom at home. As Draco gazed into the mirror, a figure appeared behind him. "Potter" he quickly turned around only to see that he was still all alone. He turned back to see Harry put his finger to his lips as if to warn Draco to be quiet lest he wanted to be caught out of class and talking to a mirror. Suddenly, a chair appeared as if the room itself knew that Draco needed to take a seat. He watched his own reflection look into Harry's eyes. As much as he wanted to stay to see what else his reflection might do on its own, Draco knew he could not miss Potions.

Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master and longtime friend of Draco's parents; more so a friend to Draco's mother. She took the liberty of asking Snape to watch over Draco this year to make sure that Draco would complete his task. Though he had accepted it from the Dark Lord, he didn't think everyone needed to know what he was about to do. Draco knew because of this fact that anything that seemed amiss with him would immediately be reported back to his father. Just as the clocks stopped tolling, Draco sat down to take his seat. "Malfoy" Snape said in his ominous tone.

"Yes, Professor"

"My office after class."

After this greeting Snape began his lesson which seemed to take longer than normal. Draco wanted to get back to that room and more importantly back to that mirror. For what seemed like more than the 90 minute class period Draco couldn't focus on his schoolwork. He mind kept drifting back to that mirror, to his reflection and Potter's. As Snape rolled on, Draco caught himself looking behind himself at Harry. Harry looked up and caught Draco's gaze. Draco tried to give Harry a cordial smile to which Harry replied with a scowl and a shake of the head. **"Only in the mirror"** Draco thought to himself, then the bells began to toll again to let the students go about their way to their next classes. Before Draco could get up Snape was in front of him.

"Sit. Down. Malfoy." Snape said punctuating every word as if to hurt Draco when he spoke.

"Yes, Professor"

"Turning over a new leaf are we"

"Sir?"

"Don't toy with me, Draco. To toy with me is to toy with the task you were given. Or should I tell the Dark Lord that you are no longer interested in restoring your family name?"

"No, sir."

"Focus on your path, Draco. After all, Hogwarts is a school that gives back to its students."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh and Malfoy?"

"Yes, Professor?"

"Do try and keep your eyes off Potter. I understand that he can be a bit of an eyesore but it's not polite to stare." Draco felt himself get angry but changed his scowl to a smile. "Yes, Professor".

As Draco walked out of Snape's room, he pondered a place to go where he could let out his thoughts. As he paced through the corridor, the same threshold appeared just like earlier that day. Once through, Draco took a deep sigh and thought, "I need to get away". A black cabinet like the one he saw at Borgin and Burkes appeared. He opened it and immediately heard the sounds of the shop on a busy day. "This is it." Draco thought to himself. As he walked away from the cabinet he contemplated how he would explain everything to his father when he bumped into a chair. This chair replaced the one he used earlier that day. This one was almost like a throne. Draco sat in his new chair and for a little longer decided that it would be okay to gaze into the mirror. Potter's reflection had returned just as he hoped it would. "Hello…" Draco said as he tried to let the foreign word cross his lips, "Harry." Mirror Harry smiled and nodded toward the door as if to tell Draco it was time to leave which Draco did, reluctantly.


	3. Catching His Attention

Draco walked back to the Slytherin common room alone with nothing but his thoughts. His father was pleased with Draco's plan to use the cabinet in the Room of Requirement to get the rest of the Death Eaters onto the Hogwarts ground. His father was pleased with him but the more Draco thought about it the more he hated himself. **"Father would never understand."** Draco plopped down onto a chair and sighed deeply. As he begins to doze off Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson all came into the common room. Pansy sits down on Draco's lap and Crabbe and Goyle sat across from them. "So Malfoy, " Crabbe started, " are you ever going to tell us where you've been sneaking off to." "It's none of your business Crabbe" Pansy interjected. "Draco will tell us when he's ready." Draco smirked, "Let's just say when all this is over a lot of people will feel so much better." Pansy hugged him tight then got up to go to bed. Crabbe and Goyle made their way up to the boy's dorm and Draco headed off to the Room of Requirement. Once through the all too familiar portal a set up appeared like his own bedroom, so he knew where to find just what he was looking for.

Draco sat down on the mirage of his bed and pulled out a drawer of his nightstand. He pulled out a razor blade from the drawer. **"I should have stopped this when I was young** " Draco thought to himself as he rolled up his sleeve and exposed his forearms. Draco rubbed the cold steel with his thumb and licked away the red dots that began to pool on his digit. He cut into his forearm and took a sharp inhale at the twinging pain. "I've endured worse from Father" Draco scolded himself. Without self-control Draco cut into his arm several more times until he felt tears stinging his eyes. Suddenly, his mirror appeared and he looked up at it to see Harry's reflection glaring down angrily at him. This time though, it came with a voice. "Malfoy?" Draco turned to see Harry standing behind him. "What are you doing in here?"

"I could ask the same of you, Potter"

"I asked first" Harry said, stepping closer and grabbing Draco's arms. Harry turned Draco's arm and flinched at the sight.

"I don't need your judgement, Potter" Draco said getting ready to walk away.

"That would be a double standard" Harry turned his arm toward Draco and exposed his own scars.

"Why"

"Sometimes you just want to get out of your head"

Draco smiled, "I know exactly what you mean"

A chair appeared for Harry to sit. "Do you mind?" Draco smirked, trying not to smile. "You're still here aren't you."

"Problems with your father?" Harry asked.

"You have no idea, Potter"

"Well for the sake of it, now you've got someone to talk to."

"I would if I could. But I took a vow of silence."

"So you're one of them now?" Harry asked. Draco opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. He walked closer to Harry and showed him a scar in the shape of the 'yes'. Harry shook his head. "Do you not have a mind of your own, Malfoy?"

"Of course I do, Potter"

"And you still choose to be a chip off the old block?"

"You wouldn't understand"

"What wouldn't I understand?"

"Protecting my family"

"You don't think I would understand the want to protect someone?"

"Not family"

"I have people who I consider my family, Draco, though they may not be a blood relation."

Draco smiled and said nothing. "What?" Harry asked noticing Draco's smile. "I never thought I would hear you call me by my first name." Draco said, stepping even closer.

"Well, I guess you could say we've come to a mutual agreement"

"That's good to know but I'd better get back to the Common Room."

"So should I"

"Meet here tomorrow night?"

"Sure" Draco and Harry parted with a handshake and left out of opposite ends of the room. After a slow walk back to the Slytherin Common Room and up to the boys dorm, Draco laid down in bed and for the first time ever, slept like a baby in the Hogwarts Castle.


End file.
